Drinks are on me - 24 Fan Fic - all audiences

Another one of my comedy fics.
Settings don't really matter, everyone needs to get plastered every once in a while. Tonight is Jack's turn ... unfortunately for him, there's a situation at CTU and they call him in ....


Enjoy the read!!!

Drinks are on me.

Jack’s cell phone buzzed angrily in his pocket.

He pulled it out and checked the number on the display.

It was CTU.

He couldn’t care less what they wanted and put the phone down in front of him, picked up his beer and emptied it in a long swig.

“Hey, hot stuff,” he called to the female bartender, “give me a refill.”

“Comin’ up.” the girl said, filling a small glass and picking a beer from the fridge, setting both in front of him.

Jack picked up the beer and took another swig, ignoring his phone.

“Isn’t that important?” the girl asked, pointing to it.

“Nahhhh,” Jack replied, setting the beer down again, “probably someone who needs me to sign off on some overtime or somethin’.”

“At this time of day?”

He shrugged and picked up the shot, tossed it back and slammed it down on the bar again as the alcohol burnt its way down his throat. His hand shifted from the small shot glass to the beer and he drained half of it.

He slipped off the barstool and pointed to his stuff.

“Watch that will ya.”

“Sure thing.”

He staggered for a moment but stayed on his feet, swaying dangerously for a few more seconds until he found his balance again. He gave the girl what he figured would be a smile but came out as a stupid grimace and he turned, heading for the restrooms. When he reached them, he pushed through the door without looking and slammed into a big burly guy who was heading out.

“Heeyyyyy, watch where y’are goin’.” Jack slurred angrily.

The man shoved him and he slammed into the wall but in the next instant he stuck his gun in the man’s face.

“Watch it, buddy.” Jack snarled, his eyes wavering and his arm swaying but never moving off target.

The guy backed off and left.

Jack laughed to himself holstering his gun and made it over to where he needed to go.

There were two other guys and Jack grinned at them.

“Don’ pissss me offff.” he slurred, feeling the alcohol take over.

He was almost done for the night.

A few more and he’d be able to go home, crash and burn till he woke up again.

At least, for now, his troubles and heartaches were gone.

He quickly relieved himself and swayed his way back to his stool at the bar, where the girl was standing guard over his stuff, making sure nobody touched his beer.

“Thankssss, doll.” Jack slurred as he climbed back onto the stool.

“Hit me again.”

“Sure thing, babe.”

She filled another shot glass and handed him a fresh beer.

“You’re falling behind.” she said, pointing to the other beer.

“No, I’m not.” Jack chuckled, lifting the beer to his lips and draining it.

“See?” he grinned.

“Last one?” the girl asked.

“Nahh … one more.”

“Okay, next one’s on me.”

“Really?” Jack asked, all surprised to find the girl willing to buy him a beer.

“Yep.”

“Com’ere.” Jack said, waving his hand towards him.

She came back to where he was sitting and he pushed up, supporting himself on the bar and leaned over it, wrapping his arm around her neck and pulling her in for a kiss. He dropped back to the stool, holding on to the bar for support again and he grinned at her.

“I luv, ya.”

“Yeah, yeah, I love ya too, babe.” the girl chuckled back, getting him his final drinks for the night, “This is on me.”

She put the drink down next to the ones already there and got another silly grin off Jack, who also reached around to get his wallet out and pay what he owed her.

“Twenty-eight seventy.” she stated.

Jack flicked two twenty dollar bills onto the bar and pushed them over to her.

“Keep the change.”

That was another nice tip.

He always tipped well once he got plastered enough.

His phone started buzzing again and this time he snatched it up.

“What?” he snapped.

“Jack, I’ve been trying to reach you for an hour.” Chloe’s voice cut into his ear, “Where are you?”

“That’s none of your business, Chloe.” Jack managed without too bad a slur.

“Are you drinking again, Jack?”

“What’s it to ya?”

“Jack, we have a situation here, we need you.”

“Awwww you need me?” Jack asked, “What do you need me for, Chloe? Is your eyeliner running again?”

“Jack, stop it!” Chloe snapped, “Where are you, I’ll send someone over to pick you up.”

“I’d rather come over and pick you up.” Jack replied slyly.

“Oh, Jack, stop it!” Chloe snapped again.

“Where are you?”

“I dunno.” Jack replied truthfully.

He had no idea what the address was.

“Jack, give the phone to a waitress or something.” Chloe sighed.

“Hang on.”

He held out his phone to the bartender.

“She wants to talk to you.”

“Who? Your wife?” the girl asked.

She got a roaring laugh in response and figured it wasn’t his wife, so she took the phone over from him.

“Hello?”

“Yeah, hi, I’m one of Jack’s co-workers, he needs to come into work right now. Can you give me the address please?”

“I don’t think he’s in any condition to work at all.” the girl replied.

“We know how to deal with that, could you just give me the address already?” Chloe said irritated.

The girl stated the address.

“Okay, I’ll have a team pick him up in ten minutes, can you keep him there.”

“Ten minutes? I guess so.”

“Thanks.”

Chloe quickly dispatched a team to Jack’s location, informing them he would probably resist them and authorizing them the use of whatever means necessary to get Jack in the car and to CTU.

A couple minutes later, two suited men walked into the bar, quickly locating Jack at the bar, drooling all over the bartender. Judging from the amassed beer bottles and shot glasses, he was well beyond anything they’d ever seen and they knew they’d probably have hell to pay for tearing him away from his drinks.

“Jack.” one of them called out, tapping him on the shoulder, “They need you at work.”

“Ahhh, fuck work.” Jack snapped, waving them away.

He lifted a shot glass to his lips and tossed it back before they could stop him, slamming it down on the bar and reaching for the beer sitting next to it.

“Jack, I think you’ve had enough already.” the agent said quietly, stopping Jack from lifting the beer as well.

“I’ll be the judge of that.” Jack snapped angrily, pulling on his arm and yanking his hand free of the agent’s grip.

He spilled some of his beer while doing so and as a result of it, he switched the beer to his left hand and lodged his right elbow into the man’s gut. It was rewarded with a loud grunt and he smiled to himself as he lifted the beer to his lips.

It was ripped out of his hand from the other side, making him spill even more and he turned, drawing his gun as he went, sticking it in the guy’s face like he did earlier with the fat guy in the loo.

This one however, didn’t blink.

“Sir, we have instructions to get you back to CTU.”

“I don’ giv’ a ffff-uck.” Jack slurred, arm swaying, “Git da fffff-uck outa ‘ere.”

“I’m afraid we can’t do that, sir.” the agent replied, holding Jack’s wavering gaze.

“Don’ make me ssssshhhhh-oot yyyyy-ou.” Jack managed with great difficulty.

His thumb moved to the back of the gun, meaning to cock it, but he was having some trouble getting it where it needed to go and he focused his attention on his thumb instead of the man. Eyes wavering, arm swaying, tongue sticking out in his effort to concentrate, Jack fought a battle with his insubordinate thumb to get it to cock the damn gun already.

He changed his mind after a moment and stretched his arm again.

This time however, the agent didn’t wait for him and he moved, slapping Jack on the wrist and in the fold of his arm, forcing his arm to bend at the elbow, moving the gun off target. He disarmed Jack in a swift move and grabbed his arm, pulling him off the stool. His colleague grabbed Jack’s left arm and helped support him as he slipped off the stool.

“I’ll havvv yourrrrr badgezzzz.” Jack warned.

The agent on his right reached into his pocket and slapped his badge against Jack’s chest.

“Here, have it, I’m sure miss Driscoll will reinstate me in the morning.”

Jack grabbed for the badge and held on to it.

This asshole was gonna pay.

Now that he had his attention on the badge and no longer on getting away from them, they quickly dragged him out of the bar and got him into the backseat of their car. They climbed in and set out. One of them called it in.

“Miss O’Brian, we’ve got him, but I don’t know if it’s much use to bring him to CTU.”

“We’ll see about that when he gets here, just bring him in.”

“Okay, we’re on our way, give us fifteen minutes.”

The agent kept an eye on Jack, but he never turned his attention away from the badge in his hands, he was trying to read the name on it, reading it letter by letter but messing up every few. After fifteen minutes, he still didn’t know the name of the agent.

“Sir, we’re here.”

Jack looked up, surprised.

“Let’s go inside.”

He nodded.

He looked lucid enough like that.

They helped him out of the car but he shrugged their hands off him, stating he could walk alone.

He did, even though neither of them understood how he possibly could.

Luckily Driscoll wasn’t there.

Only a crew of analysts and a handful of field operations personnel.

Chloe saw the agents walk in with Jack and she got up to meet them, thanking them for bringing Jack in so quickly.

One of them handed her his gun and asked if she could get his badge back to him.

She gave him a puzzled look but then she understood and nodded.

Jack was looking at her, but he didn’t see her, he was looking straight through her.

The agents had been right, he was in no condition to be here.

She sighed.

Heavily.

How the hell was she going to deal with this?

He was beyond drunk.

“Jack, there are some things you need to see.” she started, hoping to get some kind of response out of him.

“Yeahhh … I need to see … you … naked.” Jack slurred in response.

She slapped him.

She didn’t even think about it.

Her hand shot forward, landing flat against his cheek and snapping his head to the side.

His head turned back in slow motion and Chloe braced for the return but nothing happened, he simply smiled at her.

“Jack, snap out of it!” Chloe said angrily, grabbing his arm and pulling him along with her.

He followed, putting one foot in front of the other until they reached her station. She swiveled him around and he dropped into her chair. For a moment he felt nauseous but she didn’t give him a chance to be sick and turned the chair so he was facing her screen.

“Focus, Jack.” she said, leaning on her desk with one hand and pushing his face towards the screen with her other.

“You smell nice.” Jack slurred, pushing against her hand and breathing in deeply.

It made his head spin even worse and he closed his eyes, a smile playing on his face.

The sharp sting on his other cheek snapped him out of it and he looked up, stunned at the sudden pain.

“Jack, stop it!” Chloe snapped at him, “Focus … on  that.”

“But I wanna focusssson youhhh…”

“Do I have to slap you again, Jack?” Chloe hissed.

He shook his head, his cheek still stung.

“Then stop it and pay attention.”

He blinked.

Twice.

His eyes seemed to clear up a little and he turned to the screen.

Everything on it was utterly meaningless to him, he saw a picture and all kinds of text swirling around and he couldn’t make any sense out of it. He blinked again, slowly this time. God, he needed another drink.

And his bed.

And a woman.

‘Hey’, his mind called slowly, ‘you’ve got a woman right there’

He turned back to look at Chloe.

Her mouth was moving so he knew she was talking, but he didn’t hear her voice.

Well, he did, but he didn’t understand the words.

She was really beautiful.

He never noticed that.

But she really was.

His hand snaked up and touched her thigh, reaching up.

She turned and smacked him again.

He looked at her, stunned but without moving his hand.

“Don’t slap me again, Chloe.”

“Then get your hand off me.” Chloe snarled.

He moved damn fast for being so drunk.

He pushed up, bringing his hand higher up to cup her ass, raising his other to cup her breast and pressing his lips onto hers.

She tried to push him away, but he was leaning on her with all of his weight and she couldn’t get away.

Suddenly the weight lifted off her and she brought her knee up in a reflex, kicking him in the crotch.

With Tony and Chase pulling on his arms on one side and Chloe kicking him in the balls on the other, there was only one place Jack could go. He hit the deck, grunting and cursing, cupping his hurt parts.

The buzzing in his ears was enormous and he hardly heard the voices around him. He couldn’t tell if they were talking to him or not.

When Tony and Chase grabbed him and pulled him up again, he didn’t fight them. He couldn’t fight them.

They manhandled him up to his office and shoved him inside.

He caught himself on the edge of his desk and turned to face them.

“Get the fuck-”

A hard punch to the face cut him off and he tumbled onto his desk, knocking all kinds of stuff off it.

Chase grabbed his shirt and pulled him back to his feet, head-butting him at once.

“Do I have your attention now?” Chase barked into his face, letting go of the shirt.

Jack raised his hand to feel his lips and looked up to meet Chase’s raging eyes.

He nodded when he felt blood on his lips.

“I don’t give a fuck how drunk you are, Jack, you keep your hands to yourself, you got that!” Chase barked again.

“I see you touching Chloe again, I’ll rip your fucking head off and feed it to the rats.”

He leaned closer again.

“Do you understand me, Jack?”

Jack nodded slowly, feeling a headache pound in his skull.

“Good.” Chase snapped.

He shoved him again for good measure and left the office.

Tony stayed by the door, waiting.

“What’s his problem anyway?” Jack asked, trying to straighten out a little.

“What’s his problem?” Tony asked, finally approaching, “What’s your problem, Jack? How much did you drink tonight?”

“That’s none-”

“Shut up, Jack.” Tony snapped, “I don’t know how deep you crawled into that bottle and I don’t give a fuck why, a’right … right now, a job needs to be done, so either you shape up and do it, or get out and let me do it.”

“I didn’t ask to-”

“To what?” Tony interrupted, “To be called in? You’re the head of field ops, Jack, who else should we call?”

“The Ghostbusters.” Jack grinned back.

“Jack, you’re an ass.”

“Yeah and right now it’s hurtin’.” Jack replied, rubbing his crotch again.

“You had that coming to yourself.” Tony snapped.

“What’s it gonna be, Jack? Go home or stay?”

“Okay, alright, just give me a minute.”

“You’ll need more than a minute. Why don’t you start with a shower, see if that helps to clear your head.”

“Yeahh …” Jack replied.

He wondered if Chloe would join him in it.

Tony took him down to the locker rooms and into the shower room.

“Try not to kill yourself.”

“I’ll try.” Jack promised, struggling with his shirt to get it open.

Tony stopped him and did it for him, then unbuckled his belt and popped the button on his pants.

“You can handle your zipper, can’t you.”

“I could handle yours, too.” Jack replied slyly, inching closer.

It earned him another knee to the groin.

“Don’t fuck with me, Jack,” Tony snarled into his ear, “get out of your clothes, take a shower, change and get your ass back into your office.”

“Yeah…” Jack grunted, grimacing in pain.

Tony’s kick had been twice as effective as Chloe’s.

He could barely breathe.

He dropped to the ground, gasping for air, cuddled up, hands clasped over his hurt parts.

It took a moment before he could sit up again and he slowly struggled out of his clothes.

He made it back to his feet and made his wobbly way into the shower, turning on the water and staying under the freezing cold spray, hoping it would help him get rid of some of the effects the alcohol had on him.

The water slowly heated up and he stood under it, leaning against the wall for support.

He had no idea how much later he finally stopped the water and grabbed his towel.

His eyelids were heavy and so were his feet and he dragged them on the way to his locker.

He toweled dry with some difficulty and struggled into fresh clothes, closed and locked his locker and went back to his office.

He pressed the remote and darkened the windows, he needed to be left alone.

He sat at his desk, slowly registering the fact half of what had been on it was now on the floor and trying hard to remember how it had gotten there while reaching for his phone, punching in Chloe’s extension number.

“What?” Chloe asked, knowing it was him.

“Chloe, I’d like to talk to you.” Jack said, “In my office please.”

“Sure, I’ll be right there.”

She hung up and called out to Chase, letting him know Jack wanted to talk to her.

She went up the stairs, keeping an eye on the dark glass above.

He was waiting for her on the couch.

Patting the cushion next to him, he invited her to join him.

“I wanna talk to you, Chloe.” Jack said softly.

“What about?” Chloe asked, staying near the door.

“About earlier … I’m sorry … I shouldn’t have done that.”

“No, you shouldn’t have.” Chloe said coldly.

“But you did.”

“And now we both have to deal with it.”

“Chloe, please,” Jack said softly, “come sit with me for a minute.”

She finally left her spot near the door and sat down next to him.

“I’m sorry, Chloe.” Jack said, sitting up a little.

She heard something in his voice and turned to look at him.

He had tears in his eyes and really seemed to feel like shit for grabbing her like he had.

“I really am.”

A first tear fell from his eye.

“Well I’m sorry too, Jack.” Chloe replied coldly.

“Please, Chloe … please … I’m sorry …”

More tears ran from his eyes and he buried his face in his hands.

“… I’m so sorry … I didn’t mean to …”

His voice broke and he sobbed suddenly.

She could only think of one thing to do.

She wrapped her arm around him and pulled him close to her, patting him on the shoulder.

“… I didn’t mean to …” he sobbed again.

“It’s okay, Jack.”

He pushed into her, forcing her back on the couch.

“Hold me …” he whispered, sobbing heavily against her chest.

“It’s okay, Jack,” Chloe repeated, stroking his hair now, “I’ve got you, it’s okay.”

He cuddled up in her arm and continued to cry softly until he cried himself to sleep.

Chloe was pinned under his weight.

She couldn’t move.

And he wouldn’t be budged.

It was almost half an hour later when Chase finally came to check on her.

When he saw Jack cuddled up in her arm, it threw him in a fit and he barged into the room, but Chloe motioned for him to relax.

The two of them got Jack off her and she put a pillow under his head before Chase lowered him to the couch again.

“I’m sorry, Chloe …” Jack muttered in his sleep.

“It’s okay, Jack, you just rest some more.” Chloe whispered back, stroking his hair again.

He sighed and cuddled up a little more.

They left his office and Chase grabbed her arm.

“What happened?”

“He apologized for before and then he just started crying.” Chloe replied softly, “He asked me to hold him and he cried himself to sleep.”

“He didn’t touch you again?”

“No, Chase, he didn’t.” Chloe replied, rolling her eyes, “You heard him just now, didn’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“Good, just let him sleep it off, he’ll be fine.”

“I hope so.”

“He probably won’t remember what happened.”

“No, but we do.” Chase sighed, “Let’s get back to work.”

“Yeah.”

“Tony, it’s you and me, buddy.” Chase called out, letting Tony know Jack wasn’t in play anymore.

“A’right, let’s nail this turkey.” Tony called back.

The End.