Dec 26, 2012

Women! - 24 Fan Fic - all audiences

This here, is the first in a series of comedy stories I wrote.
It all started as a request from a friend and it took me over 6 months to even begin writing it, but once I got started, it all came together.

I never thought I could do it.
Not only is it very hard to write comedy, but to write comedy about/with Jack Bauer ... nothing the man does is funny! So, it took me some time.
I'm really happy with how it worked out though.

Give it a try and see how you like it.

Enjoy the read ;o)


“Umm … Jack? Honey?”

“Yeah baby?” Jack called back from the living room.

“Could you … could you do me a favor?”

“Sure babe, whaddaya need?”

“Could you come here for a second?”

“Sure.” Jack grumbled.
He tore his eyes away from the football game on TV, set his beer down on the living room table and went to the bathroom.
He knocked softly.

“Could you … ummm … I don’t have any more tampons … could you run out to get some?”

“Tampons?” Jack gasped.
He checked his watch.

“Yeah, I need them and I don’t have any left.”

“Where do you want me to find that at twenty past ten in the evening?”

“I’m sure the 7-11 down the road has them.”

“Okay,” Jack sighed, “what do you need?”

She slipped a flattened out cardboard box under the door and Jack stooped down to pick it up. He ripped it apart so he only had one side left with the brand name and ‘specifics’ on it.

“Can you hurry?”

He hung his head and turned back to the living room, eyeing the TV, then shifting to look at the beer. He picked it up and drained it, but as he put it down, he realized he shouldn’t have. It was his fourth already and if he wanted to make good time to the 7-11, he’d have to take the car. He sighed again and shrugged off his concern, picked up his car-keys and headed out the door. He jumped into his car and drove off, reaching the 7-11 minutes later. He parked near the entrance, shut off the engine and jumped out, hurrying in. He had absolutely no idea where in the store he would find what he was looking for, so he went up to the cashier and addressed the youth.

“Excuse me, where do I find women’s hygiene?” Jack asked softly, hoping not to draw any attention to himself.

The youngster looked up at the sound of his voice, seeing the gruffy man who was leaning a little too close to him.
The facts he was leaning so close, speaking softly and asking about women’s hygiene all worked together, triggering an immediate alarm in the youngster’s mind.

“Uhhh …” the kid stammered, his eyes lowering to hip-level.
His eyes widened somewhat seeing the gun strapped to the man’s belt and his mind went blank.
“Is that a gun?” he asked with a quiver in his voice.

“Don’t worry, I’m a federal agent,” Jack replied, “women’s hygiene please?”

“Uhhh … last aisle on the left.” the youth managed shakily, his eyes glued to the gun.

Hand sneaking under the counter, his finger found and pressed the silent alarm button.
The cops would be there in less than two minutes.

“Thanks.” the gruffy man said.

He turned and walked away from the cashier, heading in the direction he had been given.
Jack hurried down the aisle, finding the shelf with tampons, but failing to locate the one he needed.
“Dammit.” he snapped.
He looked over the wide variety of women’s intimate care, cursing quietly.
Why couldn’t they just have one thing?
No, instead, there were different brands and each brand had like 7 varieties.
Which one did she need?
He checked the label again.
It wasn’t there.

“Oh fuck this!” Jack snapped at the shelves.

He thought for a moment.
Would he call her and ask?
He would pass for a fool.
He could ask the cashier.
Then again, the kid would probably make fun of him.
He looked up and down the aisle, hoping to find someone who could help him out, but he saw no one.

“Dammit!” he cursed again.

Why couldn’t little errands like that be simple?
Go in, get what you need, pay, get out.
Oh no.
Instead he was wasting his time here, trying to figure out what friggin’ tampon he was gonna buy.
He sighed heavily and looked down the aisle again.
Still nobody.

Meanwhile, the cashier was talking to the cops.
“He asked about women’s hygiene,” he explained, “at this time … besides he has a gun.”

“A gun?”

“Yeah, on his belt.”

“Okay, we’ll deal with this. You just stay right here.”

They hurried down the main aisle until they reached the last one, looking around the corner with care.
The guy was still there, looking around suspiciously.
The gun strapped to his hip was real and he looked like he would use it, given a reason.
They both drew their weapons and advanced into the aisle as the suspect turned away from them.

“Sir, LAPD, put your hands up.”

Jack jumped at the sound of the voice and started to turn.

“Don’t move!” someone barked, “Put your hands up!”

Jack froze.
“Okay.” he said quietly, holding his arms out to the side so the men could see them.
He raised them and laced his fingers on his head, keeping his back turned on the men.

“Don’t move!”

He felt a tug at his hip when one of the officers pulled his gun out of the holster and he silently cursed himself for not leaving it in the car. Hands quickly searched him and once they established he didn’t have anything else on him, they handcuffed him. When they had him secured, they turned him around.

“What’s the idea here buddy?” one of the cops asked, holding Jack’s gun up.
“Coming in for a little cash advance are we?”

“No, I-”

“Shut up!” the cop barked.

Jack did.
These guys were gonna push him around for a bit, that much was obvious.

“I hope you have a license for this?”

“I do,” Jack started, but then he remembered his badge was in his jacket … at home.

“Where is it?”

“At home.” Jack replied quietly.
This wasn’t good.

“Hmm yeah.” the other cop said, “I don’t think we wanna take your word for that buddy. Let’s go.”

One of them grabbed his arm and they took him back to the front of the store.
The youngster pointed out his car.
The huge black SUV right next to the entrance.

“Mighty fine escape vehicle there buddy,” the cop said, “and parked conveniently close to the door.”

Jack could barely contain his sigh, but he fought it back, knowing it would only get him more trouble with these guys.
They took him to their squad car and put him in the back. When they got in, he heard the one riding shotgun call in to their dispatching to run the license plates on his car.
They didn’t wait for it though and took him straight to the precinct, taking him in through the back door like a thug.
It frustrated him beyond words. He hadn’t done anything.
They marched him through the hall and into an office.

“Do you have some kind of ID on you?”

“Back pocket.” Jack answered quietly.

One of them got in his face … literally.
The man was standing right in front of him, inches away and his eyes locked on Jack’s.
“Don’t fucking move boy.”

It made Jack cringe when the guy called him boy, but again, he bit it back.
He was in cuffs, inside a police station, being booked on suspicion of wanting to rob a 7-11.
The odds were definitely against him.
He felt the other man’s hands on him again and the cop pulled out his wallet, then circled around the desk and sat down, going through Jack’s wallet.

“Sit.” he snapped.

Jack waited for the other officer to get out of his way before going over to the chair and sitting down on it.
The cop stood behind him. Jack heard the rustle of his clothes and braced instinctively, expecting to take a cheap shot.

“Pretty jumpy hey?” the one at the desk asked.
His colleague had raised his hand to his face and rubbed at his nose, indicating he had smelled something on Jack’s breath.
“Have you been drinking tonight?”

“I had a few beers.” Jack admitted.

“How many boy?” the other one asked from behind.

The guy was starting to piss him off, calling him ‘boy’ all the time.
“Four.” Jack replied truthfully.
If they made him take a breathalyzer test, he’d come up positive anyway.

“Just four?”

“Yes sir.”

“What’s your name?”

“Jack Bauer sir.”

“And what were you doing at that 7-11 mister Jack Bauer?”

“Buying something for my girlfriend.”

“Buying what?”

“Tampons.” Jack sighed.

“Yeah, right.” the one in front of him chuckled.

“Nice try boy.” the other one said, stifling his laughter.

“Look,” Jack said a little coldly, “I’m a federal agent.”
It only made the cops laugh harder.
“I work for CTU and I was in that store to buy something for my girlfriend. I can’t help it if she ran out of fucking tampons at ten in the evening.”

“Hey calm down buddy.”

“I am calm.” Jack replied.
“Look, I didn’t do anything, did I? I was in the aisle, looking at tampons, wasn’t I? I complied with your orders, didn’t I? I’m not giving you any trouble, the least you can give me is some courtesy.”
The cops gave him a hard stare.
“I’m a federal agent, I have a permit for that gun. I know it was stupid going into that store carrying it, but I always carry it, so I simply forget it’s there sometimes. I wasn’t planning on robbing the store, I get paid enough not to have to rob a convenience store to make ends meet.”

“What’s that agency you work for?”


“What’s that?”

“Counter Terrorist Unit.”

“Here in LA?”


“Who’s in charge?”

Jack sighed.
“I am.”


“Look, just call them, ask them to fax you my file and you’ll know I’m not trying to shit you.”

“What’s the number.”

Jack gave the number and the cop punched it in, listened for a moment.


“Yeah, hi, this is officer Morris, LAPD. I’ve got a man here by the name of Jack Bauer, he claims to work for you.”

“Actually no, I work for him.”

“So you know him?”

“Yes, agent Bauer is the Special Agent in Charge. What’s the problem officer?”

“Nothing much. Could you fax me his file please? I’d like to check if I have the right person here.”

“What’s the number?”
The cop gave the station’s fax number.
“I’ll send it right over.”

“Thank you. I’ll be waiting for it.”

“How much did you say you drank?” the other cop asked as his colleague finished the call.

“Four beers.” Jack replied.

“I’d like for you to take a breathalyzer.”

“Sure.” Jack replied quietly.
If he could get out of this with a simple ticket for driving under the influence, he would be damn lucky.

“Okay, this way.”

The cop took him by the arm and pulled him to his feet, taking him out of the office and into another.
The cuffs stayed on.
Jack knew they would until they had the fax from CTU.
At least.

It took a moment to start up the equipment and the cop kept a close eye on him.
“Can you stand on one leg for me?”
Jack lifted his left foot off the floor.
“Close your eyes.”
Jack did.
“Now tilt your head back.”

Thankfully, Jack wasn’t drunk.
If he had been, he would’ve lost his balance in no time.
But being only slightly tipsy, he managed to keep his balance until the cop told him it was alright.

“Walk along this line.”

Jack did, without much trouble.
“I only had four beers officer.” he grumbled when he got to the end of it.

“You know the legal limit, don’t you?”

“Yes I do.”

“Then you also know four beers will put you over that.”

“Yes I do, but I’m not plastered. I’ll take the breathalyzer and I’ll take the ticket that ensues from it. This is ridiculous and useless.”


“It is if I’m gonna take the breathalyzer.”

“Well I guess you really are a federal agent.” the other officer said, walking into the room with a fax in hand, “Next time, carry your badge.”

The handcuffs finally came off and Jack took the breathalyzer test without having his hands tied behind his back.
The result came back positive, as everybody expected and one of the officers wrote him a ticket for DUI.

“Could someone give me a ride back to the 7-11?” Jack asked a little sheepishly.


They left the station and climbed back into the squad car, after what they drove him back to the store, handing his gun back only when they let him out of the car. Jack thanked them and wished them a good night.

“You know you’re walking home, right?” one of them called after him.

Jack stopped and turned.
“Yes officer, I do. I live just a block away.”


He turned and headed back into the store.
“We’re closing in five minutes.” the youth called from behind the counter.

“I don’t need five minutes.” Jack grumbled as he marched past him.

He went into the aisle, grabbed the first box that had the same ‘specifics’ on it and headed back to the counter, put the box down and reached for his wallet. The youth took a quick step back as Jack’s arm swung down and towards the gun and Jack looked up.

“Oh will you just get over it already.” he snapped angrily, “I’m taking my wallet okay, I’m not gonna shove my gun in your face over a box of tampons.”

The youth snapped out of it, scanned the item and stated the amount due.
Jack slapped a bill on the counter and grabbed the box of tampons, stuffing it into a paper bag to keep from being the laughing stock of the neighborhood. The youngster gave him back his change without a word and Jack marched out of the store, noticing the cops still waiting by his car. It made him smile. They were making sure he didn’t take his car.
He went over to it and made sure it was locked up.

“Goodnight boys.” he said as he walked by the cops.

It took him almost ten minutes to get home and the moment he walked in, he heard her calling out.

“Hey, what took you so long?”

“You don’t wanna know.” Jack grumbled as he closed the door.

“Did you get it?”

“Yeah yeah, I got it.” Jack sighed.
He reached the bathroom door and knocked twice.
“Next time,” he started as the door opened a crack, “you buy them yourself.”


“Hey, I’m serious!” Jack snapped, “I’m not doing that again Kate, I mean it.”

He turned around, went into the kitchen, grabbed another beer and went back into the living room to watch the final quarter of his football game. His team was losing.
“Just my luck.” Jack sighed.

The End!

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